Friday 18 October 2013

Small Victories

Today, I was enjoying a well needed post lunch-duty sit down, and found myself smiling at the memory of the busy, noisy hour I had just spent with the 70 or so 4-11 year olds who attend my youngest children's school.
Some of my friends think I am quite mad to voluntarily look after other people's children, especially as there are a few who are, shall we say, "difficult"! (I say voluntarily, although I do get paid, but it's very minimum and certainly doesn't cover the cost of fuel to get me there and back in the middle of the day!)
I offered my services last year when the school was desperately asking if there were any parents who could help out at lunchtime, as, being such a small school, they were relying on the current teachers which meant they never had a break in the school day. The school secretary couldn't have been more grateful when I offered my services, practically weeping with joy (well, perhaps that's a little exaggerated), so I signed up for two days with possibly a third when I could manage it (i.e. no coffee mornings, lunches out or shopping trips already arranged).

DD's first day of school



As I have mentioned before, I really do love children, and as my oldest two had already left this wonderfully unique and beautifully located small village school I realised this was an ideal way to be a fly on the wall and see how my youngest two interacted in their school environment and with their friends.







My first few months were in the winter period so I spent quite a few days standing in the windy playground, wrapped up in numerous layers, gloves, scarves and hats, wondering to myself what on earth had I been thinking and longing for my open fire, blanket, and a warm beverage of choice!
However, I loved seeing my kids playing with their friends, I felt comfortable in this very familiar environment from many previous years of school runs and events, the familiar faces of all the teachers who had taught my older two, and getting to know their teachers on a different level than that of just parent and teacher.
When winter turned into spring, it was lovely being outside watching the children running about, playing football, making up games and using their imagination. Some days everyone seemed to be falling out with their friends, coming to tell tales on someone else, complaining about name-calling or that they were being left out, so I spent the whole time trying to reason with each party. Other days, everyone would be injuring themselves and I would spend the whole time patching up grazed knees and elbows or applying face packs to various bruised areas! One of my friends who volunteered to help at the same time found my type of first-aid highly amusing when she overhead me saying to a child "Just give it a rub, it'll be fine", but in my defence I was merely treating them as I would one of my own, and unless it was broken or bleeding then there wasn't much else you could do! I also learnt through my own children how to judge if an injury was serious - if the screaming hasn't stopped after five minutes or the child still seems in pain then they may need more attention! Usually the promise of a plaster, a wet paper towel or an ice-pack did the trick.  It also seemed the minute I was dealing with someone's quarrel or injury, then something was kicking-off elsewhere! These days were exhausting and I counted the minutes until we could ring the bell and get everyone in!

Showing off their hats in the playground


However, some days were very enjoyable, especially when the weather warmed up in the summer term. We were able to take the children onto the field which meant less chance of injury as they fell on
soft grass instead of hard concrete. Everyone seemed to be in a better mood as the sun shone and it was lovely seeing all the different groups of friends making daisy chains or collecting treasures or just running around in the open space.  Of course, this was England so we had our fair share of showers too, but even that wasn't so bad in summer.


The new school year brought new faces to the school in reception, and I had fun learning all the new children's names. Last year was easier though, as most of the children starting were younger siblings of children I already knew and had seen them coming up to the playground with Mum to pick up their older brother or sister. This year, a greater number of school age children in the area meant an overflow from nearby villages coming to our school so I didn't recognise any of them and had a lovely challenge on my hands of getting to know their names!

On the first week back I noticed one new starter was having a really tough time with his new routine. He was clinging to his teacher not letting her go as she tried to have her lunch and cried when she attempted to leave him to play in the playground. He looked so lost and alone, my heart went out to him, and I could see his teacher was struggling as she desperately needed a break to prepare for the afternoon. So I gently approached him with a sympathetic pat on the shoulder, introduced myself and reassured him that it was all right, Miss would be back after lunch. I took his hand and said he could stay with me, answering his numerous questions through his sobbing about when Miss would be back, when playtime would be over and when it was home time.
I learnt he was half Swedish and that English was his second language, which must have made it even harder for him, so I patiently repeated the answers to the same questions, pointing to the clock and using it to confirm the times. I didn't let go of his hand even when other children needed me so he wouldn't feel abandoned again, and I chatted about my being a mum to two of my own children in the school and pointing them out, asking if he had any brothers or sisters, and eventually he calmed down and stopped crying. He still asked the same questions but I simply repeated the answers until he could trust me. It was a long half an hour but I was pleased for him when the bell finally went and I could show him that I was telling the truth about when the end of playtime was.

The next time I was on duty, I made a bee-line for him to say hello. He was still very upset and crying but I assured him that I would stay with him and, although he still cried and asked the same questions, he calmed down a lot quicker this time.

After that, he began to improve over the next few weeks when I saw him, with not so many tears, and then last week I noticed there were no tears, result! He still needed reassurance that I would stay with him and that he would see his teacher after playtime, but at least he let her go and seemed happy to stay with me instead.
Even though I hadn't volunteered for playground duty particularly to help settle in new children, it was an unexpected bonus to know I had helped a child get through their first few difficult weeks of school and that they had emerged more confident and reassured. I hope when he is older he will have good memories of those first few weeks instead of feeling traumatised.
Now my next challenge is to encourage him to play with some of his classmates and make friends, but I am sure he'll get there eventually!

Thursday 3 October 2013

Hindsight's a wondrous thing!

For the next couple of months I am helping out my cousin with childcare to fill in the gap before a "proper" childminder can take on her daughter of 17 months. I had already helped out after her daughter was born, an ideal opportunity to see if I would be any good at being a post-natal doula (see more about that here: Like Riding a Bike), so I was very pleased to be able to become a part of her life again.
M with Daddy

She's a lovely girl, very laid back, thoughful, interested in the world around her, and a great eater (parents of fussy eaters like my DS1 will appreciate how crucial that is!). Her Dad is African so she has the most amazing curly hair and when mum puts bows or hair bands in she looks super cute! She loves interacting with my kids who all adore her and fight over who plays with her before and after school. She's slightly nervous around DH but that's understandable, he can look a bit scary (sorry, dear!). And I have learnt that sudden loud noises or unexpected people turning up can upset her so I make sure I'm on hand for a cuddle.

She's not walking yet but can be quite speedy with her bottom-shuffling, and she can climb up and down sofas with ease so can reach most of what she wants without help. I kept two boxes of baby toys for my friends with children of a younger age and she loves pottering about in them. Mostly, I let her do her own thing whilst I'm in the room (she's currently tearing apart an empty cereal box whilst I type this!) as I am a firm believer of allowing children to explore as long as it's safe, they are being watched, and are not destroying anything precious! There is Lego in the room but we made a barrier with a table and chairs and it works surprisingly well with both babies and toddlers - my kids would be very sad if their Lego town got destroyed! My cousin's daughter, fortunately, doesn't appear to be one of those children who puts everything in their mouth (although I would never assume and leave her alone with anything small) but it's better to be safe than sorry so the Lego, marbles and anything else is put up high or behind the barrier.
Although my three boys were close in age (18 months between them), there was a 4 year difference between DS3 and DD so I have learnt a few tricks on how to have different age appropriate toys in the same room. However, I love to make friends go "euww" when I relate the tale of when DD swallowed the little Lego flowers which made it back into the collection after a couple of days!

Anticipation, I find, is the key - if you can anticipate what a child may grab/pull over/fiddle with then you can be ahead of the game and remove anything that might be dangerous before an accident occurs.
This is not to say that I watch her every minute of the day, but if I am in the next room then I keep checking on her regularly. And if it goes quiet then I definitely need to check! I remember when DS1 was M's age I had left him playing in his bedroom whilst I cleaned the bathroom. Chuffed with the end result of my now gleaming bathroom, I walked into his room to find him coated in Sudocrem nappy cream! It was all over the carpet as well as his clothes and an absolute nightmare to clean (I may have binned his clothes) but he had thoroughly enjoyed himself!

My prima donna!
On another occasion more recently I had left DH in charge when I was out for the day, and upon returning noticed DD was missing. "She's upstairs" DH nochanantly explained, to which I nervously enquired for how long, already heading towards the stairs. My fears were confirmed when I found DD happily playing with my make-up bag,
delighted to have been given the chance, uninterrupted, to have free rein on all of Mummy's collection. Pencil tips were nicely mashed, eye-shadows were all blended into one, and an array of colours now featured on my bedding - I was not happy! After removing it all out of reach, I hastened downstairs to inform DH of the golden rule - always check on quiet children! I think he was just glad of the peace...


As much as I like to treat M as one of my own, there are certain things I don't do because she's not my child. I certainly don't do much cleaning! I probably spend more time with her, but then I only have her twice a week and she goes home at 5.30pm so I like to make the most of it. I'm imagining this is what being a grandparent will be like! I know that anything needing doing in the house can be tackled on the other days in the week and will be a lot easier without any children about, but I used to have to do it all when my own children were young. I have to admit that I have quickly gotten used to not having any interruptions now when I'm pottering about at home, and I seemed to have forgotten very easily how demanding young children can be. It's only now having M twice a week that I am reminded of those years past and appreciate what a tough job we stay-at-home parents have!
Now, when I am tackling any household chore, I can start whenever I am ready without having to clock watch in case it is nearly time for a child's meal/pick up or drop off at nursery/school - usually there was never enough time to actually finish the chore! I can put on some music or watch a tv programme and go off into my own little world, instead of constantly checking on children or being interrupted with choruses of "Mummy!" I can choose to finish the job even if my tummy is rumbling, instead of knowing I'll need to prepare some lunch for midday so there is time for the child to have an afternoon nap before fetching an older sibling otherwise we'll slip into the danger area of younger child falling asleep before tea and then not wanting to go to bed at a reasonable hour! I also don't need to stop to help a child with a snack/drink/putting on a dressing up outfit/reaching something as now all of mine are pretty much capable of doing everything themselves, and if DD needs help there is usually a useful older brother to hand!
Sometimes in the afternoon I often need a quick power nap (to recover from an interrupted night's sleep or the mad morning rush), but when mine were young I had to do it when they were asleep, which didn't always coincide with when I felt tired. I used to snuggle on the sofa with DD after lunch and, more often than not, she'd fall asleep just as I was giving up on getting 40 winks and be wide awake again. The midwife's mantra of "you sleep when the baby sleeps" is not always easy!
M does not do naps, much like DS2, so if I am particularly tired (which is normally Mondays - the early morning rush is a bit of a shock to the system!), I can only manage a lie-down on the sofa whilst watching her play. This means a very early night later for me, and DH wonders why I am going to bed so early.

The day really goes by quickly when I have M - after the school run we pop to the local supermarket, which she loves and is very well behaved, so we get back home around 10am.









I never have time for breakfast before school so will give her a snack when we get back whilst I tuck into a bowl of cereal. Then we'll have a play and if she's happy I'll do a bit of clearing-up in the kitchen or work on the computer in the playroom with her. I always used to feed mine lunch at midday so do the same with her, and I try to eat something at the same time as I always thought it was nicer to eat together. Of course, I can eat my lunch in about 5 minutes flat but you have to be patient with children so lunch can take half an hour! Fortunately, M's Mum gives me a lovely selection of organic pre-prepared lunch pots which are microwaveable so it doesn't take long to heat up. The variety and quality of baby foods now is amazing, much better than when mine were young, and look and taste homemade. As I said before, M is an excellent eater and will try anything so it's very easy feeding her. Having had a mix of good eaters and bad with my own (DS1 would only eat plain rice and pasta for his first three years and DS2 ate everything in sight) I know only too well how rare this is! After lunch and I have cleared up, we might pop to another Mum's for a cuppa, which is not only good for M to mix with other children, but good for me as they entertain her! I can see the difference now from the days when I would pop round on my own and those when I have M - I had forgotten how difficult it was to drink a cup of tea without having to put it down (up high!) or be able to offer assistance to my friend as I have M on my lap. Since all mine went to school, I have gotten used to being able to help my friends with their little ones as I know how hard it is juggling everything, so it was weird to be right back there, chasing round after M and making sure she was fed/watered whilst leaving my friends to it.
I then take M on the school run again and we're back home by about 4pm. Time for a snack and a drink and playtime (this time my children take over entertaining so I can enjoy a bit of peace!) before Dad comes to fetch M around 5.30pm. 

When she's gone, we miss her, but I can see how much easier it is without her. Parenting when they're young really is a 24 hour job - not every day, but it can be. I try to instil a routine but on a day-to-day basis there are always changes. They keep us on our toes - always having to second guess their needs, demanding our attention, changing their likes and dislikes. 
Having this time with M has made me value my child-free time and finally appreciate how hard I worked when my kids were young. I was always feeling guilty that I didn't do enough and couldn't understand why I felt constantly tired, but now looking back I see that looking after the children was the hardest job I have ever done. 
There are still busy times with the kids now but at least I get a breather in the day and some time to myself. I refuse to feel guilty about having lunches out and seeing my friends as I know the evenings will be mad busy, as are the mornings. And I wish I understood see then what I can understand now so I spent less time worrying about everything else and more time focussing on and enjoying time with the kids!
My tribe




Disclaimer: As always, all views are unbiased and my own 
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