Like Riding a Bike...

As I've already mentioned, I love children of all ages, and I'm always happy to help my friends with their kids, especially now I'm child-free in the day. I've 'been there, done that' so know how invaluable an extra pair of hands is! I love my friends' toddlers with their unique personalities and even their incessant questioning about the world around them - I always try to answer their questions, mainly because I don't have to listen to them all day every day! I also enjoy the more grown-up conversations I have with both my older children and that of my friends.

But the area I think I'm the most useful for help and advice is for parents of newborns, especially first time.

When I fell pregnant with my first child, I dutifully went to all the pregnancy classes, read countless magazines and books about birth and babies, and even found an American television programme about labour and giving birth, just so I was fully prepared. But, as most new mums will tell you, you are never really prepared for the reality!

I really thought I understood that I would have sleepless nights, no time to myself, be in demand 24 hours a day once my bundle of joy arrived and that I would cope, after all I saw lots of parents doing it, but it was much harder than I ever imagined.

Firstly, I didn't appreciate that I would be trying to recover from a difficult birth at the same time as caring for a newborn (stupid, I know). How can you let your body recover if you are in constant demand?
I was breastfeeding so couldn't even hand feeding times over to DH, and it was every 2 hours in the first few weeks which in turn led to all manner of soreness (I won't go into details, I'm sure some of you ladies know what I mean!).

I also didn't appreciate that I couldn't actually feed myself when I was feeding DS1, and there were numerous "doh!" occasions when I settled down with son nicely latched only to see the remote for the tv on the other side of the room!

I was very lucky, however, that my mum lived twenty minutes away so, when DH went back to work, she came over regularly to make sure I was fed and watered too, and would hold DS1 so I could have a nap (I know, there are lots of reports/people who think you should always put a baby down in their cot to sleep, but they sleep deeper and longer in someone's arms and sleep training can wait. In my experience it made no difference in the end and, if I knew mum was holding my baby, I relaxed and was able to sleep myself, which, frankly, was more important.)

I remember a week after DS1 was born, wanting to take a stroll round the block with my new swanky buggy but having a blind panic about how I would actually do it! Upon mentioning this to mum, she quickly said she'd come too which immediately took the pressure off, and so, half an hour later (it took that long to get both myself and baby ready) I was feeling the sun on my face and an amazing sense of achievement! Since then and three more children later, I remember those early days and smile at my inexperience and fears, as when DS3 came along I thought nothing of marching through town with baby in the buggy, DS2 in reins and one eye on DS1 as he skipped just ahead of us. I even managed to get shopping done as well!

DD aged 18 months

When DD finally started primary school and I "found myself" again,
I missed not being able to use the skills I had gained over the last 11 years so started thinking about what job would use my hard-earned qualification of full time mum of 4.





Whilst waiting for a doctor's appointment with my mum last year, we found ourselves near the midwife's room and a couple with a newborn in a carry seat were sitting opposite. The baby started to cry just as the midwife came out to talk to them and I saw the hesitation and slightly unsure look on the mum's face as she didn't know whether to deal with baby or let her cry.
My instant reaction was to leap up to help, but knew an offer from a random stranger to hold their baby may look a tad creepy, so I resisted!
But it got me thinking that I could be really good at offering help to new parents with their babies.

Photo credit: Shira Golding)

A quick search on the internet when I got home and I found the title for such a job was a doula, or post-pregnancy doula as I wouldn't be helping with the actual birth. According t'internet, I needed no formal qualifications, my own experience of having four children was enough, and, as you cared for the baby with the parent and never took the child out of the house alone, there was no need for the same checks and strict rules that childminding requires.

As luck would have it, my cousin was in the last month of her first pregnancy when they moved to the next town, and when she voiced her fears to my mum about her impending motherhood, we thought it would be the perfect opportunity to trial my possible new career.

So, after a couple of informal meetings to discuss what my cousin wanted me to help with and roughly what hours, I excitedly waited for news of baby's arrival.

After letting mum and dad bond with their new baby for the first week, I popped round for a short visit to meet baby and check when she would need me to come to help out properly. It seemed appropriate to start when her husband finished his paternity leave and she'd had a couple of days on her own to see when I would be most useful.

When I started, I was conscious of letting my cousin largely take care of baby herself, and would only intervene when I saw she was struggling, or offer advice where needed. Fortunately she had quite a laid back attitude to parenting so we got along well. I would always make it clear that it was entirely up to her what she did with my advice, I was certainly not being judgemental. Although I had numerous years of experience, at the end of day this was her baby and she had every right to bring up her child as she saw fit!

As her husband worked at the weekends, he was at home Mondays and Tuesdays, and she often went to her parents' house for the weekend, so I was only needed two days a week for a couple of hours but this was always made flexible as babies patterns are constantly changing. My main role was taking care of baby so my cousin could have a nap if it had been a particularly bad night, or catching up with washing (babies go through a heck of a lot of clothes!), and, as the weeks went by, I accompanied her to the shops or out for a coffee so she wasn't worried about being on her own if baby kicked up a fuss (as it was, baby slept the whole way anyway!)
I felt my role was that of an auntie or granny, to assist where needed until the mother felt confident to go it alone. I offered tips on nappy changing, bathing baby, helped with transferring from breast to bottle (mum was to return to work), and general health concerns that all new parents worry about, and I thoroughly enjoyed it! I was a little worried I wouldn't remember how to look after a baby but of course it all came flooding back, you never forget!

Unfortunately, DH's work was too busy for me to advertise my role properly, so I am now just hoping for opportunities arising from word of mouth through friends, but I can definitely see that being a doula is perfect for me - what could be better than cuddling newborns for a few hours and then handing them back?!!

My DS, 1, 2, and 3, all grown up

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